Saturday, October 13, 2012
1. Body maintenance regulations aren’t strict. Obviously we want to shower, deodorize and whatnot, but shaving (or waxing) can be cut back on significantly.
2. You get all of the covers. You don’t wake up freezing cold while your partner is snuggly wrapped in the warm blanket, like an adorably inconsiderate mummy.
3. Money will be saved, especially on meals. It may appear lonely requesting a table for one, but onlookers don’t realize that you’re sitting with Mr. Washington (and hopefully a few of his friends).
4. A large chunk of memory space is freed up because you aren’t filling it with anniversary dates or your lover’s trivial details like favorite flavor of ice cream, or their middle name or whatever.
5. No arm numbness, body aches or pains from being in the most uncomfortable position of affection — spooning.
6. Never experiencing lengthy deliberations about what to eat for dinner. It’s hard to hold discussions on an empty stomach, especially when its growls are drowning out the sound of your significant others’ voice. As a single person, if you want Applebees, boom, you get Applebees.
7. If you’re watching a terrible romantic comedy film you’re doing so at your own discretion. You wanted to watch License To Wed, and you take full responsibility for this decision.
8. You’re the boss of your own oh-so-valuable time. Not assistant or co-manager, you’re the head honcho. You can distribute hours, minutes and seconds on things youvalue. That means fulfilling the activities you always wanted to do, like finally watching Breaking Bad so that you can be in the loop.
9. The option of doing whatever you please, whenever you desire is there. Obviously you can do things even in a relationship, but spontaneous trips or impromptu invites out can be attended without someone uncomfortably frowning upon your choice.
10. There’s no worrying about who’s attending their girl’s/guy’s night, why they haven’t text back, or if you should be concerned.
11. The tough decision of whose family will be visited for holidays doesn’t have to be made. And that’s a good thing because his/her family was okay, but one of their uncle’s tended to get hammered and become that bubble violating, overly friendly, touchy, feely dude.
12. Your web browsing history is under zero scrutiny. There’s no need to explain yourself, especially for the accidental typos. Like when you totally forgot the “ysis” on “analysis” and opened up a whole different can of worms.
13. You can wear whatever flavor of lip-gloss you want, and you don’t have to be bashful for the sake of somebody else’s disliking of gooey, bubble gum scented stickiness on their mouth.
14. That last slice of pizza is yours. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
15. There’s no emotional roller coaster If you have a good relationship it’s probably more like a kiddie coaster, but still. The biggest high to low a single person experiences is when their favorite reality show reaches a climaxing moment, then cuts to an untimely commercial break.
16. You can follow any scantily clad, completely inappropriate individual on Instagram/Twitter and not be questioned or criticized.
17. Flirting is permitted and you don’t have to feel like a guilty, terrible mate for doing it. Bat those lashes; give that wink and the gun… On second thought, don’t do that wink-y thing, ever, unless you’d like this being single gig to last for an eternity.
18. Every unisex name in your phone contacts won’t be asked about. The fact that Jamie the gender-neutral friend won’t lead to an investigation should count for something.
19. Your Halloween costume isn’t collaboration. You aren’t a slice of peanut butter covered bread to match their jelly. And more importantly you’re not arguing in the front yard of a lively party, as drunk folks stumble awkwardly through your wrong place, ill-timed squabble.
20. The ability to be as disgusting and lazy as you’d like. Eat in bed, garnish your sheets in a layer of crumbs, leave nail clippings on tables where coasters should be, don’t use coasters for your condensation covered drinks, makeshift the dryer into a dresser, only removing laundry when it is to be worn. It’s your world, be the filthiest of animals.
21. On the contrary, you can be as anal (no “ysis” intended) and particular if you’re a neat freak who likes a spotless, organized living environment.
22. Life altering decisions like job opportunities, or cross country moves can be completed without having to worry about its impact on two people.
23. There’s no switching off who selects or negotiating which movie you’ll be watching in theaters. That’s huge because it costs almost 10 bucks a person these days. That’s a large investment. Too large an investment to take your chances on a movie with a trailer that made you cringe or doze off.
24. Wearing comfortable underwear, regardless of aesthetics.
25. You don’t have to repeat yourself regularly because your lover’s noggin is so jam-packed with crucial anniversary dates that they can’t seem to remember what important errand you asked them to run seventeen times.
26. The farfetched dreams of running into and falling in love with your celebrity crushes are slightly more fathomable.
27. Forced independence that will benefit you in the future. Being solo, you don’t always have a person for emotional support and the only option is to be strong for yourself. It’s like lifting weights. A girlfriend/boyfriend serves a spotter, but when you’re by your lonesome, the pressures on you. Get stronger or drop the weight on your chest.